Overinvolved Parents

I don't remember my parents pushing my siblings or me to do more in school. Actually, don't recall them really being all that involved in our school lives. I recall them doing adult things as we did our kid things. This is not to say that our lives never intersected. In fact, we always sat down to dinner together, talked together while cleaning up the kitchen or riding in the car, watched a favorite TV program, and caught up before bed time.

A friend of mine, Sarah Bayne, the Head of Hillbrook School, believes that many parents today are overinvested in the success rather than the growth of their children. That they micromanage their children's lives in and out of school, becoming overinvolved to the point of blocking their children's independence and hindering their enjoyment of just being a kid. She believes that some parents have become so involved in their children's world that it is hard for them to recognize how deeply enmeshed they have become in their young lives.

Dr. David Elkind, our McLendon Parent Education Speaker who addressed us last week, would probably agree. He believes that many children are over-programmed because many parents are working to satisfy their own needs rather than their child's. Additionally, many parents suffer from parent guilt, believing that they are not doing enough for their children in this society of "keeping up with the Jones'."

Madeline Levine has written an excellent book on this topic: The Price of Privilege, How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids.

One of her observations is that "appropriately involved parents know the importance of stepping back as soon as is practical, and of respecting their child's striving toward independence. Overinvolvement is not simply 'more' healthy involvement; rather it is involvement that can get in the way of child development. Many parents can't stand to see their children unhappy or angry or disappointed or struggling, which is part of life, part of growing up."

Worrying about our children is part of being a parent, it's human nature. Some parents, however, are overworried, overanxious, overinvolved and overprotective. Learning how to best support each of the natural learning stages in our children's development will provide the best help in our children's growth. And sometimes that means it's okay to do adult things while children do kid things.